The Drama Triangle and Your Relationships: How to Recognise and Repair the Damage caused by Conflict.
Understanding conflict, our roles and responsibilities and other people roles and responsibilities can be very challenging. However there are many tools that make this reflective process of change more simple - and I’d like to talk to you about two of them in this article…
So what are they?
The Karpman Drama Triangle.
The Womeldorff Empowerment Dynamic Triangle.
Lets dive straight in…
The Karpman Drama Triangle.
The Karpman Drama Triangle is a psychological model used to describe, explain and resolve dysfunctional relationships and conflicts. It consists of three roles: The Victim, the Persecutor, and the Rescuer. It is likely that we will adopt one or all of these roles at any given time if we are triggered in a conflict. Which role we are more inclined to assume will be dependent on the particular context of the situation and the other people you are in conflict with.
The Drama triangle can be a vicious cycle, with individuals shifting between the roles (dependent on the other roles present and the circumstances or context of the conflict), each reinforcing or triggering the others. For instance - you could start out in a conflict as the Victim, and then quickly find yourself Persecuting.
Being stuck in a perpetual cycle of conflict understandablly leads to emotional exhaustion, overwhelm, resentment, and a feeling of hopelessness. Not ideal! To say the least….
So let’s dig into this a little more so that you are able to start breaking free of this cycle and arm you with the awareness to handle disagreement in your relationships in an adult manner!
The 3 Roles within the Triangle
Victim
The Victim is the person who positions themselves as powerless, helpless or inadequate in any given situation. They often blame Persecutors for their circumstances, or everything and everyone else for their problems and circumstances. They are unwilling to take responsibility and ownership for their life circumstance. Victims will seek Rescuers in their life, as often rescuers will take the burden on their own shoulders, and will be unlikely (at least initially) to encourage autonomy or self agency from the Victim. They live from the life perspective “I’m Lesser, you are better.” The predominant emotions for Victims are Sadness and Apathy.
So - what sorts of things might a victim say to themselves, others, about their circumstances and life in general)?
“Oh poor me, my life is so hard.”
“Why can’t I just catch a break.”
“It’s always my fault.”
“Why do the bad things always happen to me”
To the Rescuer: “Only you can help me”.
What personality traits are you likely to witness in a Victim? Here are some of the most common:
Likely to be very self deprecating.
They avoid taking responsibility and ownership.
They position themselves as inadequate, unable, stuck, trapped, inferior, and helpless.
They won’t acknowledge their own strengths and abilities to change their life circumstances or to solve their own problems.
Persecutor
The Persecutor is the person who blames everyone else. They all unwilling to accept fault, and the blame is always on someone else. They will blame victims, and they will be critical of the behaviour of Rescuers. Persecutors predominantly seek Victims to blame - to keep them oppressed, as this enables them to continue their role as a persecutor. They will often express their dissatisfaction with the actions and behaviours of others, but are unwilling to provide constructive feedback or support. They are often seen as smug, stubborn, self righteous individuals, and are ofter described as bullies - oppressing or blaming others and making them feel small. They live from the life perspective ”I’m Better or Ok, and you’re lesser or not Ok – I put others down to feel ok’. The predominant emotion for Persecutors is Anger.
So - what sorts of things might a persecutor say to themselves, others, about their circumstances and life in general)?
“It’s all your fault - I can’t believe you would do that. You’re such a fool”.
“They are all so misguided - why won’t they just see sense and listen to me”.
“No matter how hard you try you can’t seem do anything right - it’s embarrassing”/
To the Victim: “You are to blame for all this going wrong - you should be ashamed of yourself’.
What personality traits are you likely to witness in a Persecutor? Here are some of the most common:
Consistently positions themselves as superior.
Consistently positions others as less worthy.
Will persecute others to make themselves feel better.
Likely Angry, aggressive or passive aggressive and short tempered
They are usually very judgemental and hyper critical individuals.
They usually try to control others and their environment.
They discredit and belittle other peoples value, skillsets and abilities
Rescuer
The Rescuer is the person who feels like they need constantly rescue, support or appease others - they will intervene on behalf of Victims without even being asked , and try to appease Persecutors. Whilst many Rescuers may well have positive intentions - often in their efforts to help, fix or solve the issues of others it can create negative long term effects in the lives of those they rescue and also their own lives. Firstly, in constantly rescuing a victim or appeasing a Persecutor - it removes autonomy or self agency for that person to change and take personal responsibility for positive change and growth. Secondly, often it can have a long term detrimental impact on the Rescuer themselves, as often their own wants and needs are set aside as a result of constantly rescuing and placing the needs of others first. Many Rescuers end up feeling very fatigued, overworked, undervalued and resentful.
Rescuers will predominantly seek Victims, as this allows them to continue playing out their role as a Rescuer, as they want to feel highly valued. If the Victim solves their own issues or starts to see their disposition, the Rescuer will no longer have their role.
They live from the life perspective ”I’m Better or Ok, and you’re lesser or not Ok – I rescue and take on the responsibility of others to feel okay about myself’. The predominant emotion for rescuers is fear.
So - what sorts of things might a Rescuer say to themselves, others, about their circumstances and life in general)?
“You don’t need to do that, you’re already too tired - Let me help you”.
‘You’ll need my support with that - you won’t be able to do it on your own”.
“Wow that sounds so hard, you must really be struggling with that - how can I take the pressure off for you?”
“If they just listen to me and take my advice - they’ll be fine”
“I’ve got this…I’m not sure you’re in the right place to handle this”
What personality traits are you likely to witness in a Rescuer? Here are some of the most common:
They have a constant need to help or support others so that they can feel important or superior.
They discourage others in solving their own problems so that they can continue to help or rescue.
They assume that the only way others can be helped is by rescuing.
They discredit others abilities to solve their own issues.
Overly sympathise.
Self sacrificing or being the martyr.
They always want to feel valued and needed
They take all the responsibility even when not asked.
They remove others autonomy.
They get frustrated or resentful with others as fatigue and kicks in.
Often incredibly busy solving everyones issues.
Often overwhelmed.
Often very tired.
How does the Drama Triangle begin?
A drama triangle is initiated when one individual assumes one of the roles due to personal tendencies or the context of the situation, and this then triggers a response from the other individual or individuals, coaxing them into assuming one of the other complimentary roles.
For instance:
If someone assumes the role of the Persecutor, it is likely either to trigger the other individual to play the Victim or sometimes the Rescuer.
If someone assumes the role of the Victim, it is likely either to trigger the other individual to play the Rescuer or sometimes the Persecutor.
If someone assumes the role of Rescuer, it is likely either to trigger the other individual to assume the role of Victim or sometimes Persecutor.
Why is it so Appealing to stay in the triangle?
However potentially damaging it can be long term, the reason it is so appealing to start in the Triangle is because we are able to get our needs met. The Victims get taken care of and don’t have to take responsibility or ownership, the Rescuers get to save the day and be everyone’s hero and the Persecutors get to blame everyone else, rid themselves of blame and feel superior.
Why do we assume any one of these particular Roles?
Before getting into each of the reasons why certain people will be more inclined to assume the role of a Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer, it’s important to acknowledge that we will all likely adopt each of these roles at any given time. Whilst we may have a tendency to one or two more than others - we will all demonstrate flavours of each in our relationships or in conflict.
So with that said - lets get into it:
Victim:
This role is often connected with the shadow of a younger version of ourselves that didn’t have certain needs met. Some people call this the “Wounded Inner Child”. Effectively, we may assume this role if we are feeling particularly vulnerable, needy, sad, unheard or unseen.
Persecutor:
This role is often connected with individuals that may have been mistreated (emotionally hurt or abused / bullied etc). Persecuting is often born out of a defence mechanism. Once an individual has been hurt or has felt victimised, they are unlikely to want to ever feel this again - and so they overcompensate. They will go on the offensive.
Rescuer:
This role is often linked to a time where we felt that in order to be understood, to be looked after or loved - we had to first help or rescue others. Similar to the Victim, this is often born out of feeling that certain needs were not met, and a developed understanding that in order to have our needs met - we first need to serve or help others first. Essentially - our needs come second place.
How do we break free of the Triangle?
In order to break free of “The Drama triangle” and then step into ‘The Empowerment DynamicTriangle” (more on this shortly) - we first need to become aware of which roles we tend to assume, in what contexts, and what our predominant triggers are. Secondly, we need to become more attuned to our emotional and underlying wants and needs. Thirdly, we need to acknowledge and accept the role that we play, and take ownership and responsibility in changing our own behaviour moving forwards. To find ways of communicating and meeting our own needs in a way that does not negatively impact ourselves or others.
So lets dig into some of those in a little more detail…
Self-awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance:
As I mentioned about - the first step is awareness, acknowledgement and acceptance.. Firstly awareness of The Drama Triangle and all that entails (which is now a tick box for you, and secondly it’s getting clear on the roles you assume, when and why. With that said, he are a few questions that you can answer that will enable you to start exploring this:
Which role(s) do you tend to play in the triangle?
What situations or circumstances usually lead to you assuming this role?
What emotions usually lead to you playing this role(s)?
What need are you trying to meet by assuming this role?
What are you hoping to avoid by assuming this role?
Aspiration:
Now that you’re more aware of the roles you assume, when and why. It’s then important to consider what changes need to be made, and what positive changes you aspire to make.
Action, Accountability and Support:
Once you are clear on what needs to change moving forwards - the next step is to take action. To make a conscious choice to implement those changes and try them on for size in real life.
Be compassionate and forgiving of yourself as this will take a lot of practice and self control. You need to remember that if you have only just become aware of how you’re being when in the Drama Triangle, then you need to understand that it will take time and conscious intention to start shifting your mindset and behaviour.
Having a coach, therapist or accountability buddy can be really beneficial as you work through these challenges, as they will be there to help you overcome challenges or set backs, and they will keep you accountable for your positive growth and change moving forward.
Learn to operate within The Empowerment Triangle rather than The Drama triangle.
Once you’ve moved through the above stages, the final piece of the puzzle to continue positive growth and change is in shifting and aligning your mindset and behaviour with the roles inside “The Empowerment Dynamic Triangle”.
The Empowerment Triangle
Following the creation of ‘The Drama Triangle’, a second Triangle;‘The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) Triangle’, was created by David Emerald Womeldorff. Whilst the Drama Triangle is a wonderful tool to highlight our negative behaviours within relationships, also to highlight unmet needs, triggers and reactive behavioural tendencies, the TED Triangle builds upon it and offers us a new perspective on how we can shift both our mindset and our behavioural tendencies when in conflict or within our relationships as a whole.
We use the Drama Triangle to identify the issues at hand, and we use the TED Triangle to start overcoming those issues.
If we were to describe each of the roles in the drama triangle as being ‘Reactive Roles’, you could describe the roles within the empowerment triangle as responsive and resourceful roles.
So what do each of the roles from the Drama Triangle become in the TED Triangle?
Victims become ‘Creators’:
“Creators know they can choose their response to life’s challenges. A Creator is outcome-focused and passion-powered, focusing on what inspires them. This positive alternative to the Victim generates forward energy, propelling one to take generative action, by taking one Baby Step at a time.”
Rescuers become ‘Coaches’:
“A Coach sees the Creator essence in those they support and holds them as ultimately resourceful and resilient. Unlike the Rescuer who reinforces the powerlessness of a person in the Victim role, a Coach uses the art of inquiry, curiosity, and deep listening to support others in discovering what is best for themselves. A Coach does not have to be a professional coach, simply “non-attached” to the outcomes of others, remaining supportive and encouraging.”
Persecutors become ‘Challengers’:
“Challengers consciously builds others up, encouraging them to also learn and grow, despite difficult situations. Challengers are catalysts for learning and are willing to stand for the vision, even when others do not. Rather than criticizing or blaming, a Challenger inspires others to reach for the highest good of all involved. Willing to shake things up and go to the heart of the matter, Challengers are sometimes called the “truth-tellers,” in service to outcomes and the Co-Creators with whom they interact.”
Final Words
As I mentioned above - the first step of being able to shift your mindset and behaviour is developing self-awareness, and then a desire to change. However, it is important to say that in order to shift your behaviour and mindset it will require persistence, patience and a strong connection to the purpose of you creating this change. If you have assumed a role for a long time, and have been unaware of it until very recently (maybe not even until today) then just know it will take some time to make these changes, for them to become consistent in your life and for this to positively impact and create meaningful change in your life.
I hope you found this blog insightful, and if you have any questions or need further support - please reach out to me here
DCM